Relationship Mondays: The Path to Intimacy
Apr 20, 2009 Relationship Advice
Couples wed with the full expectation their marriage will last a lifetime. They believe that being in love is about agreeing, not about fighting. They’re afraid that if conflict exists, something must be wrong with the relationship. They then avoid conflict like the plague until resentment is unmanageable.
Marriage therapist Diane Sollee founder of Smartmarriages.com says, “The #1 predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. What’s sad is the reason that we avoid conflict is because we believe conflict causes divorce.”
What are couple conflicts really about?
When a person experiences distress, the emotional brain becomes activated. The amygdala, an almond size area in the mid-brain, triggers an automatic response to protect and defend. Adrenalin starts pumping, heart rate increases, and the “fight, flight, freeze” safety response is activated. The prefrontal cortex, the thinking/problem solving part of the brain is turned off. What we seek from our partner is physical and/or emotional safety.
Emotion Focused Couples Therapist, Dr. Sue Johnson states, “Our loved one is our shelter in life. When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless. We are assailed by emotions – anger, sadness, hurt and above all, fear. Losing connection with our loved one jeopardizes our sense of security. We don’t think; we feel and we act.”
She goes on to say, “We all experience some fear when we have disagreements or arguments with our partners. Then we generally do one of two things: we either become demanding and clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.”
How Can We Effectively Communicate When in Distress?
1. Take a time out. Research shows that it takes 20 minutes for the emotions of the amygdala to settle down. Ask yourself the following:
a. What just happened? What were my initial feelings before reacting in anger?
b. What was said by your partner that triggered your reaction?
c. What do you need from your partner to work through this issue? What are possible solutions?
2. Agree to a time (within a few hours) to discuss and work toward solutions.
3. When talking, use “I Messages”. These are statements about yourself and your feelings. When you express your own feelings, hurts, needs and desires, it allows your partner the ability to put his/her defenses down and to listen to you.
The “I Message” formula is … “When _____ (state what happened), I felt _____ (state the feeling, i.e. betrayed, frustrated, abandoned, I didn’t matter, etc.), and I would like _______ (possible solutions to be discussed).
Creating a fulfilling relationship takes courage. When issues are met with acceptance and understanding, love grows. A very special and intimate bond is forged and become another foundational pillar in your thriving relationship.
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Carolyn Gerard is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, specializing in couples and relationship therapy in San Diego. For more information, visit her website at www.Relationships4Life.com, contact her at (858) 756-8171, or cg@Relationships4Life.com.
Tags: relationships
